


*Body rolls to Sweet Lies*

by bringbaekexo



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, EXO (Band)
Genre: Byun Baekhyun is a Little Shit, Everyone Is Gay, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, M/M, but baek's also emotionally vulnerable, im so full of myself knowing this story is gonna be horrible, its a chat fic and a regular fic at the same time, ot12 cuz IM THAT BITCH, rare pairings cuz im that bitch, this is what i do in my free time instead of working or cleaning, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-03-21 09:22:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13737879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringbaekexo/pseuds/bringbaekexo
Summary: "Dude why is it so hot?""Which hot?""What?""Like, spicy hot? Or temperature hot?"





	1. it be like that sometimes

"Yo," Minseok says, strangely chill. "Why did Tao just fall from the hallway ceiling?"

Before anyone can answer, they hear quick footsteps pacing toward them. Tao comes trampling into the room wearing a literal garbage bag and nothing else. 

"You don't know me Minseok! You don't know me!"


	2. SKRRT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tao is salty and Kyungsoo wants a Chansoo sub unit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baekyonce = baekhyun  
> chanye west = chanyeol  
> 5 page essay = junmyeon  
> chansoo supremacist = kyungsoo  
> KMS = minseok  
> towel = tao

**baekyonce** has changed the chat name to  **DICK EATERS**

 

**chanye west:** he ain’t wrong! 

 

**towel:** HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL Y’ALL I DON’T EAT DICK

 

**KMS:** As many times that we have to tell  _ you  _ that lying is a sin.

 

**baekyonce:** OH SHIT I SEE YOU MINSEOK

 

**chanye west:** okay that’s cool and all but think about this… a chansoo sub unit

 

**chansoo supremacist:** Did someone call me? 

 

**towel:** meh its an okay idea

 

**chansoo supremacist:** Just like you thought using “towel” as a username was a good idea? A chansoo sub unit sounds better than a cum rag but okay!

 

**chanye west:** YES KYUNGSOO YES

 

**baekyonce:** ASASHDFHIDH 

 

**KMS:** *sips carbonated water*

 

**chanye west:** why carbonated water?

 

**KMS:** I’m on a diet 

 

**5 page essay:** SKRRT 

 

**5 page essay:** You’re on a  _ what now _ ?

 

**KMS:** hAHA I MEANT THAT I’M ON A PATHWAY TO FINDING JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR AMEN 

 

**5 page essay:** yeah better had

 

**towel:** anywhore, where are Sehun, Jongin, Kris, Luhan, Yixing, and Jongdae?

 

**chansoo supremacist:** Probably fucking.

  
**baekyonce:** WITHOUT ME?


	3. NATION'S KINGS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the china line celebrates their boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> krispy kreme = kris  
> yixKING = yixing  
> bLUe = luhan

**El China Squad**

 

 **yixKING:** IDFPIWJEFJSIDF YES MY FUCKING GROUP DID THAT

 

 **towel:** YES OUR BOYS!!! DID!!! THAT!!!

 

 **krispy kreme:** As the father of this group, I am proud to say that the nation’s representatives did THAT.

 

 **bLUe:** idek what to say rn, ya boy is speechless

 

 **yixKING:** wait but did y’all see my bae in that CHOKER??!?!?!?!?

 

 **yixKING:** I GUESS HE REALLY TRYNA GET HIS DICK SUCKED

 

 **towel:** HYUNG

 

 **krispy kreme:** he ain’t wrong!

 

 **bLUe:** I WAS SITTING THERE WATCHING THE LIVE STREAM ON MY PHONE AT 5 AM BUT BITCH IT WAS WORTH IT CUZ THEY FUCKING DID THAT

 

 **towel:** things exo did: that.

 

 **yixKING:** everyone else’s faves can’t relate

 

 **krispy kreme:** I met Rihanna and I _still_ can’t relate

 

 **yixKING:** nah but fr buy some headphones or something cuz I’m really boutta suck some dick

  
**bLUe:** gOtTa bLaSt


	4. hit it from the back and drive you wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two heads are better than one!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jongdonttrymehoe - jongdae
> 
> Also! the next chapter will introduce our last 2 characters whoop whoop! 
> 
> Also again! I am a strong advocate in breaking the "baekhyun is a hoe" stigma. Of course you just gotta love dick now and then, but in almost EVERY! FIC! I! SEE! baekhyun is portrayed as that character. In the beginning of this chapter, I gave him a little bit of that persona so that by the end of this chapter and next chapters to come, he can really break free and be his own person. In this chapter, Jongdae and Yixing tell him that he doesn't have to force himself to be that character, because they like him for who he is as a person already, and the sex is just and extra bonus. He only feels the need to be that person because that's what everyone has always expected from him.

**double penetration squad**

 

 **baekyonce:** a wise drag queen once said

 

 **baekyonce:** “jesus is a biscuit, let him sop you up.”

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** yes lawd!!!!! Let the beautiful wisdom of latrice rain down upon us all Y ES

 

 **yixKING:** tbh, Latrice or Chad Michaels should’ve won season 4. that crusty ass bitch Sharon Needles could NEVER.

 

 **baekyonce:** yes baby preach!!!

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** SKRRT

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe: “** baby”???? who in the hell were you talking to baek because I _know_ in Jesus’ name that you weren’t talking to yixing

 

 **yixKING:** and why wouldn’t he be talking to me? His MAN?

 

 **baekyonce:** *sweats nervously*

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** Baekhyun you better get him before I do or Imma hurt his feelings

 

 **baekyonce:** OKAY OKAY

 

 **baekyonce:** as much as I like seeing you two fight over me its getting kind of old, and its also sorta fucking up my main objective

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** which is?

 

 **baekyonce:** getting some dick!

 

 **yixKING:** and you thought getting the both of us was necessary because???

 

 **baekyonce:** because ik you two want each other just as much as you want me :)

 

 **yixKING:** wAIT… is that why the name of the gc is double penetration squad?

 

 **baekyonce:** king of realizing things!

 

 **yixKING:** also is how in the hell did you know I liked Jongdae

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** and how did you know I liked him back?

 

 **baekyonce:** because I have eyes and know how to think with my brain and not my dick unlike all of you think I do

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** SKRRT

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** is that what you think we think of you?

 

 **yixKING:** baby you read too much fanfiction

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** Yixing is right. baby, you’re not the “hoe” of the group, nor do any of us think you are. we love and cherish you simply because you’re Baekhyun.

 

 **baekyonce:** i’m not crying my eyes are sweating!

 

 **yixKING:** like Jongdae said, we love you to the moon and back just because of who you are.

 

 **baekyonce:** I LOVE Y’ALL LET’S JUST DATE ALREADY JFC

 

 **jongdonttrymehoe:** Imma keep it real witchu chief, we already were

 

**DICK EATERS**

 

 **baekyonce:** I GET TO HAVE THREESOMES DAILY HOES JFJDJFJFJDJ CATCH UP BITCHES

  
**yixKING:** baEKHYUN


	5. jesus is always watching :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongin is a nuisance. Also, I can't believe I spelled nuisance right.

“Truth or dare,” Jongin asks out of nowhere, startling Sehun enough to almost spill his piping hot tea. 

 

“Bitch,” Sehun huffs. “I could’ve spilled my tea. And not in a good way. Do you know how much drama that would’ve caused? I can see the headlines now, ‘Oh Sehun spills his tea for the first time!’ Anyway, truth.”

 

Jongin sighs and pulls a dry erase board from under the couch. He proceeds to write the Pythagorean theorem and other various geometric formulas. “Have I taught you nothing? It’s not just “truth” anymore Sehun. You didn’t even use the rules of PEMDAS!”

 

Sehun gives him a side eye and sets his tea down on the table. “Baby, you didn’t even write PEMDAS on the board. Also, how would I use that in a situation such as truth or dare?” 

 

Jongin chuckles out a laugh and climbs on top of his boyfriend’s lap. “The point wasn’t for you to actually use the formula idiot. I just wanted you to pick dare.” The younger smiles at him, resting his pale hands on firm hips. “Alright then, dare.”

 

“I dare you to kiss me.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE its a chapter in regular format


	6. organization makes me nUT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo and friends share a mutual hate for the public education system and the people that come with it.

**DICK EATERS**

 

**chansoosupremacist:** so like I always hated school right

 

**baekyonce:** BI TC H PREAC H 

 

**5 page essay:** Yes yes hello! We over here dissing school? 

 

**chanye west** has removed  **5 page essay** from the chat

 

**chanye west:** oh yeah and also

 

**chanye west** has changed their name to  **CHANdwick boseman**

 

**CHANdwick boseman:** cuz fuck kanye now

 

**CHANdwick boseman:** anyway continue 

 

**chansoosupremacist:** yes yes back to hating  a place for the confinement of people accused or convicted of a crime

 

**chansoosupremacist:** sorry my autocorrect on some other shit

 

**chansoosupremacist:** *jail

 

**towel:** DJRGOJSFJFN IM WHEEZINGDNS

 

**chansoosupremacist:** like WHO was the mf that decided I needed to use KELVIN TO FIND ANY FUCKING FORM OF TEMPERATURE

 

**KMS:** go off!

 

**chansoosupremacist:** WHEN AM I GONNA GO TO THE STORE AND FIND THE ATOMIC NUMBER OF MY GRAPES DAMN IT

 

**baekyonce:** yo that’s not even the worst part

 

**baekyonce:** its when your crusty ass teachers start to hop out their bodies like they on some shit 

 

**baekyonce:** like bitch you ain’t casper the ghost have a seat!

 

**chansoosupremacist:** throwback to when the teacher called me “disrespectful” when on my phone in class

 

**CHANdwick boseman:** well it is a little rude to ignore the teacher’s lessons

 

**chansoosupremacist:** she was talking about her son playing soccer.

 

**CHANdwick boseman:** nvm teachers are crackheads

 

**chansoosupremacist:** the worst part about it was that over 50% wasn’t listening to her yet I’m the mf she pointed out

 

**chansoosupremacist:** I had to physically bite my tongue so I didn’t say “this is why I hate white people” out loud

 

**baekyonce:** ERJPEJFF KYUNGSOO

  
**chansoosupremacist:** man fuck the system

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi I hate school. I can't wait until 2020 so I can get out of this disgusting hell hole called highschool! I wouldn't hate sophomore year so much if:  
> 1.) my English teacher's mother had swallowed  
> 2.) the kids next to my locker showered  
> 3.) I didn't want to constantly suck my bestfriend's dick all the time (like how that add up???? guess I ain't a lesbian no more!)


	7. the tea on thanos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im a hoe for marvel. I imagine exo is also as such.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hoe = sehun  
> pimp = jongin

**DICK EATERS**

 

**chansoosupremacist:** I have a confession to make.

 

**towel:** you finally admitting ya gay bro?

 

**KMS:** LMAO TAO everyone in this world is gay they just don’t realize it yet 

 

**CHANdwick boseman:** omg r u dying?

 

**chansoosupremacist:** mood but no

 

**chansoosupremacist:** I, Kyungsoo, have come to realize that I am the MCU’s whore

 

**baekyonce:** bitch M O O D have you SEEN Benedict Cumberbatch lately????? 

 

**5 page essay:** I would cum on command for Michael B. Jordan :)

 

**hoe:** DFOJFJRG JUNMYEON

 

**pimp:** sehun didn’t you say you wanted to be gangbanged by all three chris’ tho?

 

**hoe** **has left the chat**

 

**towel:** JONGIN I’M SCREAMING 

**CHANdwick boseman:** junmyeon you have no class. obviously chadwick is the better choice but go off.

 

**bLUe:** ….Scarlett Johansson tho?  

 

**chansoosupremacist:** hUH? lemme move my ban to the side and read that again. I think my eyes are still fucked up from crying over the drag race finale yesterday cuz i could’ve sworn that said S C A R L E T T J O H A N S S O N :///////

  
**KMS:** what did I say? Not everyone has had their gay awakening yet 


	8. idk homie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jun gets added back to the chat, chan and yixing say...questionable things to each other?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew i'm back after some months. my phone broke so imma be lurking around on here.

**DICK EATERS**

 

 **CHANdwick boseman:** namanana makes me S Q U I R T ugh

 

 **yixKING:** yeol’s rap in tempo makes me Q U E E F guh

 

 **CHANdwick boseman:** :^)

 

 **yixKING** : :^)

 

 **towel:** I hate this chat and everyone in it including myself.

 

 **chansoosupremacist:** baekhyun can you please add junmyeon back to the chat so he stops sending mla formatted citations from his favorite books to my phone

 

 **baekyonce** _has added_ **5 page essay** _to the chat_

 

 **krispy kreme:** for the love of gay please change your username

 

 **5 page essay:** oh my FUCKIN LORDT

 

 **5 page essay** _has changed their name to_ **mama ru, sue me**

 

 **bLUe:** What up bros?

 

 **towel:** oh my god the fucking hetero is here.

 

 **towel:** also please no one respond to that with the crying laughing emoji.

 

 **CHANdwick boseman:** DAMN IT

 

 **baekyonce:** how does he always know???

 

 **hoe:** because chanyeol is a local LMAO

 

 **chansoosupremacist:** he got a big dick tho.

 

 **baekyonce:** YEOOOO LMAOOO SJFDJKFH BITCH

 

 **yixKING:** y’all always clowning sehun and i’m HERE for it

 

 **bLUe:** my poor virgin eyes!!!!!111!!!11!1!

  
**CHANdwick boseman:** （//･_･//)


	9. i 🤣 be 👌 grinding 🏃♀️ you 😂 waste 👎 time ⏱

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all ain't heard yet? Minseok's crib came with a gate AND a code!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just put the money in my bank account from babysitting and this came about.

**DICK EATERS**

 

**KMS:** I’m so mf RICH

 

**mama ru, sue me:** need I ask?

 

**KMS:** I just made a 32 dollar deposit, I’m listening to regular while drinking arizona and eating sushi, and now I’m a certified bad bitch

 

**KMS:** NOT that I wasn’t a bad bitch already I just wasn’t certified 

 

**chansoosupremacist:** i heard someone is looking for a sugar baby?

 

**KMS:** suddenly I only have 54.83 in my account!

 

**chansoosupremacist:** awn thanks daddy! 

 

**bLUe:** ew

 

**chansoosupremacist:** no homo

 

**chansoosupremacist:** don’t worry luhan it’s not gay anymore if i say no homo

 

**jongdonttrymehoe** _ has changed their name to  _ **done as hell.**

 

**done as hell.:** my fucking laptop is frozen and I’m trying to do my math oml

 

**done as hell.:** im starting to regret trying to get a damn degree

 

**chansoosupremacist:** yikes someone need their booty eaten

 

**bLUe:** ://///

 

**chansoosupremacist:** no homo tho

  
**KMS:** Yikes indeed. Since i’m rich now I’ll just buy my degree thanks!

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is just an intro


End file.
